Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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