My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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