Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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