the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Did you just see the Batmobile???
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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