we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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