I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
