...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
