Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
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i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
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Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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