i may or may not be watching the land before time
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
