I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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