I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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