Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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