fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
