im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
its liver damage thursday
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
