i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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