Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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