i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
