Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
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You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.