i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
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The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
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COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist