I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
