my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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