I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
