So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just high enough for therapy.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
