how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I need a beard to bite.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
