So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
