New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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