I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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