why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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