My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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