I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
