You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
