1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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