were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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