I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
