my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
