Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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