feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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