What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
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