I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
