i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
