thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
