I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
