we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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