My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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