nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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