the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
