Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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