What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
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Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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