Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline