how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
