Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
