nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
