dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.