im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
