About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
