Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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