I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
