A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
