We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
